urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought endlessxthought endlessxthought 2009-11-08T02:14:58Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:47858 2009-11-08T02:14:58Z 2009-11-08T02:14:58Z just talked to one of my favorite people in the world... <br /><br />think i'm getting lunch with them tomorrow... it'll be a much needed reminder of what i have and that people actually do care..<br /><br /><br />getting my new id soon so i can start heading downtown and have some fun...<br /><br /><br /><br />anyone want to get a drink? haha, didn't think so, but the offer stands...<br /><br /><br /><br />been sober off the drugs.. feels good.. feels like my brain is getting active again and my motivation is picking up.. i needed to stop all that bullshit anyway... looking for a job and possibly a new place to live... i have a $500 agreement with one of my friends, but watch him not pay...<br /><br /><br />i love everyone.. hope everything is going great for you all... somebody should let me take them out for lunch or drinks or something... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:47501 2009-11-02T09:53:37Z 2009-11-02T09:53:37Z “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self, so therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.”<br />-Khalil Gibran<br /><br />words to live by.<br /><br />everything is always easier said than done. but when nothing is said, nothing is accomplished. <br /><br />I'm ready to live. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:47320 2009-11-01T04:09:42Z 2009-11-01T04:09:42Z i can't believe what i've lost or thrown away in the past year or 2...<br /><br />i miss having friends<br />i miss having my family<br />i miss having a reason to wake up in the morning.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:46919 2009-05-07T06:20:44Z 2009-05-07T06:20:44Z When I moved back to SLO (oh yeah, I live in SLO if you didn't get the memo) I didn't think it would have the outcome that it did.<br /><br />I've become a recluse. Most of that was due to the fact that I moved into a house with no cell phone, didn't get internet, and never ever went out. <br /><br />As you can see, I've broken that trend and moved out of that house. I got a new job to see if that would help kickstart me back into the swing of things... That too has not really worked out the way I thought it would... then again that's what I get for getting a corporate job that pays minimum wage (the gap)... <br /><br /><br />I'm trying to figure out what it is that I need to do to stop wasting my life... I'm 22 in 23 days, there's no excuse for what I've been doing and why I still don't have my life lined up... I have to take it more seriously and take in the big picture instead of finding quick fixes to just get me through the days...<br /><br /><br />other than all that, I guess I'm doing alright... I just work and watch playoff hockey.. maybe once I finally decide to go and get a new id, I'll start going to bars or something (even though I'm not a bar person whatsoever) <br /><br />Anyway, I hope that everyone is doing well and is doing what they need to do to get through life because it's rough out there... and if you seriously just read all that, I love you for actually caring about what I have to say... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:46752 2009-01-08T02:23:51Z 2009-01-08T02:23:51Z first and foremost i'd like to thank everyone who gave me words of encouragement or hung out or whatever. this has most definitely been the hardest month i've had since i can remember.<br /><br /><br />it's a weird feeling to not know where you're at in life. sometimes, things can be deceptive. <br /><br /><br /><br />i'm trying to figure it all out. i just think i need that final push in the right direction. i need to go back to school. i need to get a degree. i need to get shit straight. i need to push myself.<br /><br /><br /><br />who knows, maybe in the next 2 years, i'll be where i'm supposed to be right now. no more wasted potential. no more excuses. the time is now. extenuating circumstances can only be tolerated for so long. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:46339 2008-12-25T10:03:31Z 2008-12-25T10:03:31Z I can honestly say that I hate my life. I'm not depressed. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm angry at myself. I'm an idiot for the decisions I've made. I've allowed myself to let someone else ruin my life. Someone who I thought was a true friend. Someone who called me their brother. Someone who let me into their life.<br /><br />This person constantly talks down to me. Made it so I'm completely broke. Pretty much told me a bunch of white lies and snared me into his sick twisted little life. I've never regretted anything more in my life. <br /><br />I'm sitting in his house, crying. This is the first Christmas I've spent away from my family and I have nothing to show for it. I'm debating calling my parents and having them move me up to Oregon. The only thing that's stopped me from doing so thus far is because I can't bare to tell them the truth. What really happened to me down here. I don't want to crush them and ruin all the things that they have going on. Plus, there's really nowhere for me to go. My free-loading sister is already living at my parents' house with her husband, 1 year old child, and is pregnant with another child.<br /><br />FUCK!<br /><br /><br />So what do I do? I've dug myself into a hole that's 10 feet deep and I'm just waiting for someone to start throwing the dirt on top of me. <br /><br />I want to just end this all. Please God help me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:46211 2008-11-25T19:58:59Z 2008-11-25T19:58:59Z It's weird. I feel like I'm at a crossroads in life, but I'm stuck in the middle. Almost like I'm waiting to see which train is going to come first to hit me, then just move in the other direction. But I know that's a horrible option and I need to choose the path that's right for me.<br /><br />I'm just not certain what that entails. Hopefully I figure it out.<br /><br /><br /><br />Been in slo for the past week. It's been interesting to say the least. Pretty much been high the whole time, and probably have walked every square inch of this town (s.f. makes you gnarly at walking, I swear, I'll walk anywhere now). I'll be stoked to get back up to sf, but i hate one of my new roommates (totally saw it coming) but I was sharing a living room anyway. So now I'm getting my own apartment or moving in with a couple of buddies. Life keeps throwing me curve balls... let's see if I can finally knock it out the park.<br /><br /><br />Not too stoked for my first ever thanksgiving all by myself. Not sure what I'm going to do. Either get extremely hammered by myself an try and pass out way early.... or .... yeah, probably just getting hammered by myself. Shit happens. I'll probably just smoke and play guitar in a hotel room or something with a bottle of jack daniels to be my friend for the day. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:45902 2008-11-05T22:29:21Z 2008-11-05T22:29:21Z well, looks like I'm probably going back to San Fran today. I swear, these trips are nice, but I just wish that everything wasn't having to go on a whim. One problem exists in one town, I have to jut drop EVERYTHING I was doing and go to the other town. Back and forth and back and forth and..<br /><br />But whatever, I kinda need to go back up there. I really want to hang out with my buddy Jesse, who I've only hung out with once since I moved there, and only for an hour. That sucks considering we were best friends and room mates when he last lived in SLO. I'm kind of a weird friend to have at this point because you never will know what town I'm going to be in.<br /><br /><br /><br />Anyway, I'm hoping that I don't leave this afternoon, but it's looking like that. At least I'll have my id to take back up with me. and I'm definitely buying some headphones if I have to. Holy shit, 7 hours of travel with no music = hell. there is no other definition available.<br /><br /><br />Whatever, at least I'll be able to go back to Samantha.... That's the name of my guitar. I really missed my guitar(s) this trip... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:45644 2008-11-05T01:17:42Z 2008-11-05T01:17:42Z I voted. You better have too. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:45503 2008-11-03T22:55:46Z 2008-11-03T22:55:46Z I found my wallet... I couldn't be happier. As to what the fuck it was doing in my friends' mailbox... the world may never know. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:45103 2008-11-03T10:54:47Z 2008-11-03T10:54:47Z well due to unforeseen circumstances (i.e. me getting sick, having to pay rent and earn money)I am somehow or another still in San Luis Obispo. Basically a three day trip wound up being what looks like more than 2 weeks. Gotta love that. Just paid rent and I've been in the town I moved away from more than the town I "live" in.<br /><br /><br />Anyway, I'm just now getting over being sick. I didn't do much for halloween for the first time in yearrrrrsssss. Haha, I still somehow wound up at 2 parties, but no costume and no drinking outside of the 3 casual beers I sipped on. Absolute insanity if you really know me. I generally have a good costume and just get absolutely thrashed on halloween. I was just too busy with real life shit to deal with that I finally have not had the time to even care about that stuff.<br /><br /><br />My phone is currently fucked and I lost my id (make that my entire wallet and all within) so this trip is really starting to get on my nerves. But I guess it's teaching me patience and that no matter how good you may think things are going, life still loves to kick you in the balls. That actually sounded a little too pessimistic, even for myself. But yeah, I can't use the inside screen of my phone, so I can see who calls me, but can't really call anyone. <br /><br /><br />I'm going to sleep though, I'm sick, why is my ass still awake? Hope everyone had a great weekend... actually, if you did, tell me about it, I missed all the shenanigans. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:44960 2008-10-24T08:14:06Z 2008-10-24T08:14:06Z I just got back from San Francisco tonight. Well I got back at 8 p.m. but I had shit to do, so now I'm writing. It took 7 and a half hours to get home on the damn bus..... never again.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm having a blast up there. My body got destroyed from the moving and raging in the city though. I literally have at least 3 bruises on each leg, a 2"x2" burn on my left shin (thank you shitty ass oven without proper heat protection that was left open), a bruise on my hip, and a cut that goes from my hip to half-way up my rib cage. Did I get into a fight with myself or something? hahaha<br /><br /><br />I just can't wait to have everything situated properly and not have to worry about shit anymore. I am really getting into the concept of coming to SLO at least once or twice a month. I'm thinking of staying for a week down here. Definitely through the weekend though. Basically, I think things may start to pick up for me. When I go out with my new room mate, I have a blast every time. Plus it doesn't hurt when he just keeps buying me patron on the rocks because he's just that cool....<br /><br /><br />Money sucks, people will always let you down, but in the end... all that really matters is that you leave with a smile on your face. It's all about finding the latent solution and making the beneficial decisions that will bring you happiness. With so many different possibilities in a given moment, it's impossible to always come out on top. But you can never win in life if you never play the game.<br /><br />I'm feeling good. I think I'm gonna go big at the bars this weekend. Beware. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:44717 2008-10-12T19:29:26Z 2008-10-12T19:29:26Z hello hangover. I tried to drink like I was 18 again this weekend and now I feel like an old man. Then again that might be a good thing. But in all honesty, I've been in slo for the past few days and it feels like I was on vacation. Then again, that might be because I stayed in a hotel suite for the past few days. Either way, I was extremely stoked to be hanging out with my future room mate and having a good time.<br /><br />We got ridiculous on some jack daniels this weekend.. a fifth every night, at least a couple of coronas, shots of patron and cazadores downtown, and whatever else makes you get rowdy and outlandish.<br /><br />But now I think I might leave for sf today. Maybe even permanently. I'm not sure, but im out. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:44304 2008-10-08T10:40:50Z 2008-10-08T10:40:50Z just got back a few hours ago....<br /><br /><br />i feel like i got hit with a bat a few thousand times....<br /><br /><br />words cannot describe how glorious a bed sounds right about now.<br /><br /><br />in other news, i'm pretty sure this is my plan. not 100% yet but the tentative plan is to split my time between sf and slo... like 3 weeks and 1 week or 2 and 2.<br /><br />i'll get into shit more later. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:44205 2008-10-03T20:43:11Z 2008-10-03T20:43:11Z I am still in love with classical guitar, it's been fun (and painful) to have something new this week.<br /><br /><br />Anyway, I have a shit ton of business to take care of this weekend and possibly extending over until Tuesday or Wednesday. And in that time frame, I'm going to have to: take a bus to san fran, drive home to slo, then drive to la and back... Haha, anyone want to go on a tour of cali with me?<br /><br />Times have been crazy around here lately. This overcast weather wasn't exactly what I was expecting, but it's cool, hopefully it will signal a laid back sort of night. And if not I have the remedy for that, haaaa... <br /><br /><br />I'll have my decision as to where I'm going to live after this weekend and the crazy things subside for a minute. Hope everyone has the most fun possible this weekend. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:43826 2008-10-01T01:28:13Z 2008-10-01T01:28:13Z I think I just found my new love.<br /><br />As of today I started teaching myself classical guitar... <br /><br />I've got this one song down, but I'm working on speed now to make it sound really good. I'm just glad I taught myself "Dust in the Wind" a couple years back, it's really paying off with the strumming hand coordination. My middle finger is about to fall off though.<br /><br /><br />I'll try and record something if I can find a computer microphone, cause classical guitar just sounds amazing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:43649 2008-09-29T07:14:43Z 2008-09-29T07:14:43Z I've been writing my own, it's fun. Seriously debating moving to San Francisco. <br /><br />When I first moved out of the bay area at age 16, I wanted nothing more than to move back all throughout the first 2 years I was in San Luis Obispo.<br /><br />In the last 3 years however, I was extremely apprehensive about going back to the bay area. I thought that it was in my past and that it was best to leave it at that. Now I'm left asking myself: why?<br /><br /><br />I love the bay area. People don't make fun of me for saying hella. If I get off track in some surrounding city, odds are I know how to get back on route. My best friend from my childhood (whom I am still very close with) lives there, my best friend for the first 2 years of college lives up there, and finally the friend I've been living with down here for months wants me to move to the city with him......<br /><br /><br />...in 2 weeks.<br /><br /><br />Yeah, pretty sudden. I mean, I'm still going to be coming to SLO a grip of times throughout the year, so I'm not really going to missing much. And in all honesty, I think it's time that I get out of here, start meeting new people, and get back into my element up north. I'll be able to hang out with my fucking radical (yeah, they're that cool) cousins. I'll be able to get back into a REAL music scene (that's been killing me down here). And most of all, it's a fresh, clean slate for me.<br /><br /><br />I'm still not 100% on this, but lately I've been making decisions and just going with the flow. I'm not sure if that's what's best for me, but it was time for me to change. And in all honesty, I can't think of a bigger way to change shit up than to throw myself from a town of 40,000 into a city of over 750,000. I love every single person that has come into my life and I thank everyone that has been my friend in one shape or another. Whether we were hanging out everyday or I never even met you, I love everyone who was willing to give me a fraction of their time. <br /><br />And have no fear, If I do decide to pack up and leave town, I'll try my hardest to organize a bitchin going away party.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:43404 2008-09-28T18:49:50Z 2008-09-28T18:49:50Z i don't get why ex's feel the need to call me and talk about absolutely nothing... as if talking to them isn't awkward enough in some cases... haha, oh well, at least i came out laughing this time urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:43192 2008-09-28T08:08:14Z 2008-09-28T08:16:15Z tried doing the whole hathway thing, for who the fuck knows why reasons, tonight...<br /><br />i'm way too old for that shit... i swear i felt like i was 37 and im 21... ha.. i didn't even drink tonight.. go figure.<br /><br />anyway, i hope everyone had a good ass weekend.<br /><br />EDIT: eating a bowl of fruit loops (or some other good kids cereal) while watching the boondocks is awesome beyond belief to me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:42765 2008-09-25T22:19:00Z 2008-09-25T22:19:00Z drove to thousand oaks yesterday with some friends to help get the new benz home. well not new, it's an 88, but the thing is still sick as hell... anyway, i'm just glad to be back in slo, able to rest up and sleep in past noon.. haha, but now i'm going to go and try to get helathy.. do some push-ups, hop on the bike (avoiding busses, haha, sorry, i had to), and probably call it a day.<br /><br /><br />oh, and if my check came in the mail, i'm going to raaaaaaaaaaagggggeeeeeeeee............. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:42516 2008-09-24T08:07:35Z 2008-09-24T08:07:35Z I really abandoned a lot of people in my life. Not necessarily intentionally at the time, but I have this horrible habit of distancing myself from others subconsciously. It really fucked my head up there for a little bit knowing that ulterior motives were able to sway my vision with so many of my relationships with friends, family, and the opposite sex. Absolute insanity. I apologize sincerely to any of you if I distanced myself for no reason. <br /><br /><br /><br />I'm extremely sore from working out (haha, for like the first time ever). No weights or anything, just push-ups and dips. I'm not trying to be a meat head, just get in shape again and be toned up like I used to be.<br /><br />My personal life has been almost like a semi-twilight zone. It's so varied day-to-day and all the things that happen are never predictable.<br /><br />I might be getting a car pretty soon... found this siiiiiiiiick ass benz.<br /><br />I'm also gonna try and stick with the writing everyday, whether it just be a journal entry or poetry, or whatever. It felt good last night to get that shit out.<br /><br />Untitled #2<br />There is no true understanding of words<br />We connect meanings to pronouns and verbs<br />But if we looked beyond what came out of the mouth<br />And found an inconvenient truth, that would make you shout<br /><br />A politician will fool you with his speeches<br />Only false dreams, is what he preaches<br />So it's time we expose them like the negatives of a photograph<br />Make our words be meaningful, and blinding like a camera flash<br /><br />We each have the power inside of us all<br />But only having courage will help you make that call<br />We must not stand for this primordial existence<br />We must stand up and fight with resistance<br /><br />Sometimes we act without much thought<br />But that's just another way to get sucked in and caught<br />And although times may be rough and possibly absurd<br />There will be no more worries once we put meaning behind our words urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:42366 2008-09-23T06:41:20Z 2008-09-23T06:41:20Z I thought a lot about how I used to a writer. I used to write articles for my college newspaper, 10,000 word essays, screenplays (well, actually only one that never got finished), and poetry. I used to never let anyone read my poetry or much else of my writing outside of school assignments. Now I think back and realize that I do not use my brain to any of its potential anymore. <br /><br />Everyday I yearn for someone to communicate with, but now I'm thinking I need to communicate with myself before I can even achieve what I want. I'm trying everyday to be more honest with myself and figure out what has happened to put me where I am in life. I've been improving everyday but it's still not seeming like enough. So I'm hoping if I can get my thoughts out (whatever they may be) in some form or another, maybe I won't be such a closed off person who never talks about their problems. <br /><br />Anytime someone asks me if I'm alright, nine times out of ten I will always say I'm fine even though I'm the furthest thing from fine. Anyway, I'm going to try and write some poetry right now off the top of my head, because in all honesty, that is the only real poetry there is in terms of expressing what's inside your head.<br /><br />Feel free to let me to know what you think... HONESTLY!!!!<br /><br />Untitled #1<br />As the sun rises, the dawn of a new day<br />There is hope inside of each of us, like a glimmering ray<br />The grass is green, and the birds are chirping<br />But those thoughts are lost once we all start working<br /><br />Faced with the truth, a new reality<br />Lives are shattered and broken, in true totality<br />I want to believe, I wish I could dream<br />But I'm floating down river, lost in a stream<br /><br />The rapids are raging<br />The times are changing<br />Every one of my thoughts are in need of rearranging<br /><br />Scattered images are clouding my head<br />But I know that I am the one who made this bed<br />So as I lay myself down to sleep<br />I think that sometimes, I'm in too deep<br /><br />But this can't be me, I'm not myself<br />I refuse to think these are the cards I was dealt<br /><br />As the city shuts down from another hectic day<br />I hope there's a God or someone that listens when I pray<br />I know that there's goodness still deep in my heart<br />And I hope that someday these pains will depart<br /><br />As the sun sets over the hills and skyline<br />Tomorrow is a new day that I must redefine<br />I awake each day, mustering all of my might<br />Refusing to believe my sun is gone and all that's left is night. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:42045 2008-09-19T19:43:33Z 2008-09-19T19:43:33Z i had fun last night. i think that's all that needs to be said. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:41960 2008-09-16T20:34:14Z 2008-09-16T20:34:14Z so my GUARANTEED condo fell through last night... or at least I'm pretty sure. it was supposed to be with one of my friends until his dad found some shit he wasn't supposed to and beat the hell out of him and kicked him out of the house again. so i'm pretty much betting that's out the window... so now I have to try and find a place AFTER all the college kids took all the good spots... hopefully I can get lucky and find a new place quick status. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:endlessxthought:41684 2008-09-15T02:48:26Z 2008-09-15T02:48:26Z Santa Barbara was a shit-show and a half. I'm so glad I decided to leave town for a night. A very much deserved reprieve from my day-to-day life.<br /><br />Hopefully after I get moved into my new condo and everything settles down for a little while, I can start going downtown more and actually enjoying what SLO has to offer... drinking and lot's of it! I kid, of course, but I'm excited to start getting out more.